Involuntary Celibates… thinking about where it goes wrong.

It’s in the idea that sex is a male’s biological and social right. It’s in the idea you know what is right for females, what women want, what will get them to want get together with you. So you try to dress up in that garb: the Nice Guy. And women seem to disdain that, don’t find that sexy or interesting. They see a friend in that garb, not a lover.

And you–you have no idea how important a male friend is a woman, in this world where a woman is constantly on guard from the male biological imperative. But to you, it’s a rejection of your maleness instead of a welcoming of your friendness. The problem is, it isn’t friendship you want or offer, it’s a counterfeit, so the women are deceived until your frustration makes you drop your guise and show the truth: That it’s never been about them, but always about you and what you want, what you’ve been led to believe you deserve. 

That women don’t respond as you expect is the greatest evidence that you are mistaken at every point.

Not your fault: you’ve been poorly advised all along by guys and maybe girls as well who also had the wrong information. Since you were a child, you’ve been misled about all of it.

Girls get the wrong stuff, too, a lot of us, as we all have for generations. That doesn’t help us or you. But some of us figure it out at least well enough to make it work at least… well enough. And it always seems like a kind of adversarial thing, the thing between men and women.

So here’s the deal: To be attractive a person needs to be the best version of themselves that they can. It’s not about what you look like on the outside, it’s who you are on the inside. It’s not what you can get someone else to see or think about who you are, it’s about who you actually are.

When you’re interesting, people will be interested. Not all people, but the ones who are interested in the kind of interesting you are. You can’t predict that, you can’t control it, you can’t make it happen, so don’t waste your energy. Just–follow your interests, learn your own heart and your own mind. Explore wonder! Love the world, love yourself, the world’s and your own mysteries and unknowns! Let time do what only time does. Be patient. Trust that you don’t have to understand everything, not the world, not the other people, not yourself. 

We all walk alone until we don’t. Not all dreams come true. That’s no reason to stop dreaming.